Not So Little Red Riding Hood
by Chibi Koneko
Summary: Little Red Riding Hood is twenty-three, the Wolf looks like a cat, Grandpa is a perv, and it's the Hunts(wo)man. Ditzy RRH and the son of the Big Bad Wolf meet in this spoof of the classic tale! R


  
Hey, y'all. My imouto-chan, Lilli Demon (well, it was mostly her) wrote this for our Fairy Tale play in my theatre class (at the time I was the only one with an account). I have rewritten this as a story instead of a play; that's why it has so much dialogue. It was funny because the person playing Red Riding Hood is half Hispanic and half African American, and blondes are supposed to be the ditzy ones. n.n  
  
**Disclaimer**: Lizzi, I, and the rest of the group do not own Little Red Riding Hood, but we did make up this plot, so don't steal!! nyah  
  
..........................._The Not So Little Red Riding Hood_..........................  
  
These are the characters as they appeared during the play.  
**Mama** -- Megan  
**Red Riding Hood** -- Lizzi  
**Wolf** -- Nick  
**Random Passerby/ Grandpa** -- Will  
**Hunts(wo)man** -- Emily  
  
....................................  
  
Mama entered the room and called impatiently, "Little Red Riding Hood! Little Red!"  
  
A moment later, her daughter skipped inside and answered, "Yes, Mommy?"  
  
"You're twenty-three years old. **Stop** calling me mommy!"  
  
Little Red Riding Hood grinned mischeviously. "Yes, Mommy."  
  
Mama sighed and replied, "Grandpapa is sick. I need you to bring him some things for his teeth, some food, and some 'special' magazines." She had placed each item in the bag as she said its name and then handed Red Riding Hood the bag when she finished.  
  
Red Riding Hood beamed at her. "Keys, please!" Her mother glared at her. "Why can't I have the keys?"  
  
"**Cuz you crashed the car last time**!!"  
  
Red Riding Hood giggled. "Oh, yeah... Well, I guess I'll just walk to Grandpa's house." With that, she skipped away.  
  
Her mother yelled after her, "And while you're out, get a job!"  
  
........................  
  
In the woods, a wolf was moaning to himself. "Oh, woe is me! I'm so hungry! HEY! I rhymed!"  
  
A random passerby entered the wolf's part of the woods. "Oh! Look at the kitty!" The passerby began to rub Wolf's ears.  
  
Wolf looked devastated. "I. Am. A. Wolf."  
  
The passerby squealed, "Okay, kitty!" and ran off.  
  
Wolfie groaned, "I wish their was a clueless little girl around to talk to so I could eat her and her grandmother like Dad always did." He sighed. Just then, Red Riding Hood skipped ahead. "Just my luck!"  
  
Red Riding Hood saw him and exclaimed, "KITTY!!" She ran up to the wolf and pet his hair. "Aw, what a cute kitty."  
  
"I am a wolf!"  
  
"You're so cute, Kitty. You think you are a wolf, and that is so cute!"  
  
Wolf was obviously frustrated by now. "I AM A WOLF!! MY DAD WAS THE BIG BAD WOLF!!!"  
  
Red Riding Hood smiled at him like an airhead. "You're such a silly kitty." Wolf sighed, and Riding Hood smiled even wider. "Kitty... I know! Come on, Kitty; I will take you with me to see my grandpa. He is lonely, and I bet he could use a friend.  
  
Wolf got a mischevious look on his face. "So how is your grandfather?" he asked suavely.  
  
"He is very sick," Riding Hood said seriously.  
  
"So... what are you bringing him?" the wolf asked.  
  
"Oh! I am bringing him some stuff for his teeth, some food, and some 'special' magazines."  
  
The wolf looked thoughtful. "'Special' magazines, eh? Righty then... Does this grandfather of yours have glasses to read them?"  
  
Red Riding Hood blinked. "I don't know.... He is a very _sick_ man... I should probably go pick some up." She then skipped merrily away.  
  
"Hehehe..." the wolf chuckled before snapping his fingers. "Darn it, I forgot to ask her where she lives..."  
  
Red Riding Hood stopped her skipping for a moment. "Gee... I thought I was allergic to kitties." She shrugged. "Oh, well."  
  
..................................  
  
Five hours later, Wolf showed up at Grandpa's house in what we call "halfway drag." Basically, he was attempting to dress like Red Riding Hood and failing miserably.  
  
Grandpa looked disappointed. "You're not anything like the description in the paper."  
  
The wolf was annoyed and responded in a falsetto voice, "Grandpapa?! I am your granddaughter, and what are you doing with those sort of things?!  
  
Grandpa began inching away slowly in his wheelchair. "Since when did my granddaughter become a cat?"  
  
Wolf put on a confused look and replied, "What are you talking about? ...Oh, I am here to bring you Mama's care package."  
  
Grandpa got extremely excited and rolled back to Wolf quickly. "Did she send the magazines?" he asked excitedly.  
  
"Of course she did," the wolf responded smoothly, "and some sweets too."  
  
"But I have diabetes..." Grandpa said slowly.  
  
The wolf then attacked Grandpa, but Red Riding Hood was then heard "la-la-la"-ing in the background. "Crap," Wolf said, "I will fillet you later." He then stuffed Grandpa under the porch, put on the hat and blanket, and sat in Grandpa's chair.  
  
Red Riding Hood then skipped up to him. "Hi, Granddaddy!"  
  
"Hey... urm... kid," the wolf replied uncomfortably.  
  
Muffled sounds were heard under the porch, and Red Riding Hood's eyes widened. "WOW! Grandpa! Your stomach is loud; you must be starving."  
  
Wolf looked exasperated. "You really must be a blonde."  
  
Red Riding Hood pointed at her head and said, "I'm not a blonde, Grandpa; I'm a brunette. Your eyes must be worse than I thought! Here, put on the glasses I brought you." She handed Wolf the bag.  
  
Wolf pawed through the bag greedily. "Didn't you bring me any sweets?"  
  
"But Grandpa... You're diabetic." There was a long pause with the Jeopardy song playing in the background, and then she gasped. "YOU'RE A FAKE!"  
  
Wolf groaned yet again. "No, I'm not."  
  
Riding Hood put her hands on her hips. "Then why are you so furry and funny-looking?" she demanded.  
  
Wolf twitched. "You'd be surprised what the meds I take do to you..."  
  
"Oh... Okay!"  
  
The wolf blinked. "That's it?"  
  
"What do you mean?" Riding Hood asked.  
  
"You aren't going to ask anymore questions?" Wolf appeared confused.  
  
"Why should I?"  
  
The wolf shrugged and grinned. "Dunno." With that, he took off his disguise and began attacking Red Riding Hood.  
  
Red Riding Hood began yelling for help, and the Hunts(wo)man came to save her. "Hey! Hey, you... the cat-looking thing! What are you doing to that little girl?"  
  
Wolf twitched. "Nothing."  
  
"Then why is she screaming?" Hunts(wo)man demanded.  
  
"She is screaming with laughter cuz I am tickling her," he said as if it was obvious.  
  
Just then, Grandpa wiggled his way out from under the porch. The Hunts(wo)man looked skeptical. "Why is he tied up and under the porch?"  
  
Wolf looked nervous. "We were playing hide and seek with rope and gag?"  
  
"Uh-huh. And why would an oversized cat be playing hide and seek with an old man and a young woman?"  
  
At her words, Wolf let go of Red Riding Hood and stomped over to the Hunts(wo)man, and she scrambled over to untie Grandpa. "I AM A WOLF!" he screamed. "CAN'T YOU SEE THAT?! MY FATHER WAS THE BIG BAD WOLF!!!"  
  
"I thought so!" Hunts(wo)man shouted triumphantly. She then hit Wolf over the head with the package of "special" magazines, and he fell down, defeated.  
  
Red Riding Hood gasped. "I knew you were a fake kitty. I am allergic to them." She stuck her tongue out at the wolf.  
  
Grandpa then walked over to the Hunts(wo)man and put his arm around her. "Now you look a LOT more like the discription in the paper."  
  
She then whacked Grandpa with the magazines as well. "You sick old man."  
  
"Wow!" Red Riding Hood gaped at her. "How did you know he was sick?"  
  
.....................The End.......................... 


End file.
